Гости пришли (my version)

Сны ко мне всё не идут,
Значит, Гости щас придут.
Вынес я, тогда урок, -
Двери надо на замок.

Лампу, вновь мне в руки взять.
И пойти все проверять.
Свет мне надо починить,
За собой - фитиль гасить.

Стрелка на часах пошла,
А уверенность ушла.
Вновь шаги слышны везде,
Гости прячутся во тьме...

Если, те меня найдут,
То с собою заберут.
Надо, надо мне идти,
Части дневника найти.

Я бегу, сижу, трясусь,
Посмотреть на них боюсь.
Скоро будет утро, да!
Подойдёт к концу игра...

Автор: Lev137

Knock-knock

КлокВорк (стихотворение)

2016-02-27T10:55:38
Lev137:

Вроде норм... Буду рад комментам!

2016-02-28T13:38:05
Payne:

Well, this poem are readably and well pleasantly to reading. Without compare with original, I have two points of criticism:

Primitive rhymes. At first - poem struckture based on parallel rhymes (Making rhymes on the same parts of speech in only one form). Plus, the most parts of speech, using as rhymes, are verbs, in other words - they are co-ordinate parts of speech. That's all called "poor rhymes", in otherwise speaking.

Atmosphere. Perhaps, this poem could make somebody scared, in theory. But privately, when I was readed this poem - I really was felt that I read child creepy tale. I wasn't felt the atmosphere of horror end wasn't sensed presense of evil.

By the way, poem are not bad, there are certainly good - at least, for reading and understanding.

2016-02-28T13:42:45
Payne:

Oh, I'm forget, i get like this work. This adaptation more better then original in terms of struckture and rhymes.

2016-02-28T15:10:37
Lev137:

Ну да. Верно, мне хватило совсем чуть-чуть для сочинения. Это по одной игре написанно. Точнее скопированно с одноименного стиха, который написан по одной игре.

2016-02-28T15:39:45
Payne:

The most important point (for me) - are rhymes and all poem struckture. i think, it's more difficult to making, then plot and atmosphere - it's can be corrected at any moment after.

2016-02-28T15:43:20
Lev137:

Это для кого, как. Ну-с...

2016-02-28T15:49:29
Payne:

http://nightconversation.ch...

2016-02-28T16:00:52
Payne:

Would you come in? I would glad to tell you about my reasons right here, but it's would be very huge text with difficultly understanding moments... So, chat will be better.

2016-02-28T16:05:08
Lev137:

Стоп. А какой чат. Видео, голосовой, переписка?

2016-02-28T16:13:58
Payne:

Text. Text message chat. What a voice, what a video, are you kidding me?? :D I told you a lot about my incognito and about it importantly, that's why I over 20 hours worked on their safety

2016-02-28T16:18:36
Lev137:

Ну мало ли... Никто не должен знать обо мне одну, из двух вещей: как я выгляжу, кто я на самом деле.

2016-02-28T16:25:41
Payne:

Suddenly surprised, but I talk about exactly same shit :)

2016-02-28T16:28:45
Payne:

I set a registration before enter chat, very simple. You know about "E-mail for 5 minutes" ? If not, get link https://dropmail.me/ru/ with one-time-used email get registration and come in.

That's all only for web security and private confidence.

2016-02-28T18:16:41
Lev137:

Videtur tibi reliquit...