Tales from the Burgerverse: The Day the Clown Cars Crashed

It was a blisteringly cold day in Tampa, Florida. It was a brutally chilly ninety-five degrees outside. Alligators drove the mobility scooters to and from the local Publix, ran over the local homeless people as is state law, and sunbathed in the local flower shop. An air horn blared loudly as a military brigade of clown cars drove through the town. A rival brigade of clown cars, as is customary of Florida, ignored all traffic laws and got piss drunk behind the wheel before driving through a red light. The crashing noises weren't the crunch of metal, but the honking of horns and whoopie cushions going plblblblblblb. Hundreds of cans of Natural Light flew out of the trunk. Each Peel P50 held a hundred or more clowns within them, all with a mild bruise at worst. The clowns, angry at each other due to being rival gangs of clowns, pulled out giant comedically oversized water guns from their pockets and splashed each other with hot sauce and mayonnaise. It would smell terrible, but this is the cleanest Florida has been since the Spanish held it in 1760. The clowns threw water balloons full of ketchup like hand grenades, and the reinforcements arrived by being pulled out from under a giant tarp, with terrible weapons like the feared Clown Nose. The noses were thrown; the water guns were filled with Mountain Dew. This act, the misuse of the state nonalcoholic drink, summoned the Floridian state troopers, who tried to arrest everyone, but with each clown beaten into submission, five clowns emerged from the cars that arose from the sewers, covered in the homeless and alligators who were smart enough to avoid being seen by the normal Florida Man. The alligators, as is befitting their above human intelligence, although above human intelligence is a bar so low to clear you need a mining crew to reach it, retreated back into the sewers and swam to Tahiti.

The clowns of other rival factions took up banana peel armaments against one another. Bananas were shot out of compressed air cannons, the peel fragments harmlessly splattered against the windows and glass of the clown tank, which is actually just a Honda Civic with a couple of cardboard tubes taped to the roof. From the Honda emerged an eighty score of reinforcements for the first clown brigade, proudly holding the banner of Goofy Barnabus, and their main rival of Jester Jim called in an armored clown carrier to protect the clowns from the hot sauce water balloon carpet dropping. The armored clown carrier was a Fiat 500 with a few umbrellas being held by the clowns inside. Goofy Barnabus' hot sauce balloon carpet dropping was done from a man using a hang glider, who used a several meter long and tied together string of handkerchiefs pulled from his back pocket as a last payload. The Fiat 500 lightly tapped a fire hydrant, causing the hydrant to shoot off into the sky like a rocket, and slam into someone's car. The brigands of Laughing Larry and Absurd Baughb teamed up into one singular faction of Baughb's Laughers, using plastic jars of pickles as mortar shells, and the mortars being spud guns clowned by a three-clown crew.

The Florida State Troopers, not sure what to do in this situation because the clowns are capable of holding their own, go back to running over the homeless, as is tradition. The clowns from rival factions, agree to set aside their differences to escape, do so by getting stuck in the gap between the seats. The clowns of Baughb's Laughers, Goofy Barnabus and Jester Jim call a ceasefire as tourists start to descend on the small, major metropolitan area of Tampa. All unified, the clowns called in more gliders via the usage of a banana phone. Flying V groups of clowns on hang gliders made from parachute pants used the vuvuzela to sound their arrival, as all the clowns ducked for cover within the clown cars. Hundreds of water balloons full of spaghetti were dropped, although one of the gliders was taken down by a tourist using their Texan accent to punch a hole in the glider. He used his backup parachute pants to land safely in a tree, although he was stuck.

The Tourists were utterly shocked and in awe as hundreds of eggs were launched like grapeshot from a nine inch bore diameter cannon. The eggs found their marks, utterly soaking the Tourists in slimy egg yolk and eggshell. Pickle mortars were fired upon the tourist's supply line to cut off their reinforcements, using everything from motorcycles to lifted trucks blaring Five Finger Death Punch from their radio. The Clowns called in mediclowns to restore vitality to their "wounded", which in reality was just washing hot sauce off their nose. The most egregious injuries were hot sauce or mayo in the nose or eyes. Clown shoes were thrown as a bombardment as the Tourists used Facebook and Instagram as means to call in backup. The Clowns used kazoos and recorders to play Beethoven's Symphony Number Five to charge as an overwhelming force. The Tourists, totally overwhelmed by the sheer deluge of mayo, mustard and hot sauce filled water guns, water balloons full of ketchup, hot sauce and relish, the pickle mortars and egg shot cannons, fled in a panic. It was a day to go down in history, for October 23rd will forever be known as... The Great Clown War. Because war... war never changes.