Take Pride in Your Clown Meat!

Profits are up 16% over our first quarter. Ordopharm's biggest growth opportunities were realized in the food service sector. Additionally, our contact in the Department of Health and Human Services is offering green lights on 162 new products. That contact, part of the Parasitic Worm Program, has given us an inroad to this administration unlike any we've ever experienced before.

Acquisition of Melora Industries continues apace and will likely receive its final approval before the end of this week. Their patents on the G67-A blight resistant wheat will of course be researched thoroughly, but our own blight resistant seeds are already up to the task of handling any further outbreaks. We do not expect any other blight resistant wheat patents to be approved by the current administration, even though we expect an outbreak in competing farm operations next spring. When that occurs, we will secure a larger market share as the owners of the only blight resistant wheat patents.

Several legal cases are still making their way through the court systems in the Southern and Eastern Districts of New York, and the major lawsuit we're facing in the Northern District of California is also ongoing.

The New York cases are accusations involving a rise in cancer rates due to overuse of nitrite. Similarly to the cases litigated in the 1970s, we do not expect the plaintiffs to prevail. Winning these cases will be a major advantage in our arguments against the factual accuracy of the various papers on this subject. The more doubt we can sow on this topic, the easier it will be to quash future lawsuits.

The case in California is less certain, though we still expect a victory. The portals to the death dimensions we opened in Mendocino did provide us with remarkable and unique genetic material from the unliving masters, but this has led to more than a few casualties in the local populace. The rate of sudden death in the community is up 341% over last year, where it was already elevated because of genetic tests we were performing on the populace. We've blamed a groundwater contamination for the unexplained deaths, but of course we're disputing being at fault for it.

Additionally our public relations took a hit last month with the Ordos family being accused of acquiring several artifacts from central Asia. The Ordos family are well known curators of both Sarkic and Daevite artifacts. Their museum, while currently closed to the public, is the largest collection of such artifacts in the world. It is the strong belief of the company that these actions were taken in order to protect those historical documents and items from destruction by the local populace. Most were being kept in poor conditions, and would have likely been destroyed if not for the Ordos Family's intervention.

This, however, does present us with a problem locally. The social media campaigns against us and our company have not yet affected us substantially, but could ripple out to affect our business interests in the US and EU. Primary issues would be legislators calling our founders to testify. Or passing laws that disadvantage us. Or perhaps even forcing the administration to examine the costs of their close relationships with us. As such, we are beginning one of several partnerships with the Manna Charitable Foundation to demonstrate the company's concern about unnecessary suffering.

The hurricane that struck Mississippi this week left Wilkinson, Adams and Jefferson counties without power, food, fresh water, or functional infrastructure. The current administration is not eager to provide government assistance given those counties were heavily opposed to their election. And they've requested, through our agent, that we intervene as thanks for their expedited regulatory approvals.

Some of you may know that we've been attempting to acquire a Clown Hive Queen for several years from Herman Fuller's Circus. With this backdrop and some assistance from the MCF, we were granted temporary custody of a single hive queen. As expected this has allowed us to produce nearly endless clown meat (which is called "fol", if our contact in the MCF is to be believed) and also clown milk.

Neither of these products are easily marketed given their coloration. However, given the current circumstances, we believe the people of southern Mississippi will be quite happy to eat and drink the clown products we provide. Additionally, the transport of clown meat in unbutchered form is much easier, as it can be packed into cars dozens of sizes too small. As the clowns are still alive during transport, they also arrive fresh. Now we have already begun to airdrop several cars of clowns, and have alerted the local authorities as to their location. They can be recovered, and the clowns butchered or milked as needed by the local populace.

This will provide us with good will from the administration, strong PR benefits, allow testing of wider distribution of clown products, and has provided us with enough genetic material to clone our own Clown Hive Queen. Once we solve the coloration issue, we should be able to slowly replace all extant beef, pork, and poultry products with this "fol".

To further rehabilitate our image, we've also been working with the US Navy in San Diego to remove the sentient pile of cardboard boxes that consumed our central California warehouse last year. Ernest Ordos, pictured here, was recently honored for his accomplishments in this project. Offer him a congratulations if you see him in the hall.

A final note: we've begun to move in more noticeable ways than perhaps the shareholders are used to. The profit margins and long term projections demonstrate that this is now a valid strategy that we will to continue to utilize. We genuinely believe the current US administration could hold both the GOC and the SCP Foundation in check should they try to publicly limit our operations. As for covert strategies, we have more than enough strength to compete with both organizations even on a global scale.

We've operated more or less legally and in the shadows up until this point to reduce the uncertainty of potential violent intervention by anomalous regulatory bodies (from the SCP Foundation of course, but more importantly the Global Occult Coalition). At this point we finally believe their involvement in our affairs would simply be a rounding error on the balance sheets.

Now that that's finished, I'm gonna hand it over to Esther Ordos from the marketing department. She's gonna explain our rollout of general consumer fol in the following year. We are going to release it in June as "pride meat" and then keep it in our supermarkets all year round afterwards. This is a picture of the product taken by our lab techs just this morning and the marketing strategy here is pretty ingenious. But I'll let Esther explain.