Sonic.exe: The Spiral

I've always been a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog. Much like everyone else. I played the games on their original Sega consoles as a kid, and as I got older, I discovered emulation. By the time I started college, the majority of my games library was torrented and emulated. That was how I liked it. That is, until one fateful day.

It was a crisp day in November, and I was browsing SoulSeek for old, rare ROMs. One file caught my eye: an apparently fanmade game simply titled "Sonic.exe". It wasn't a very large file, so I decided to have a look at it. What was the worst that could happen? When I launched the game, the start-up screen looked like the original Sonic the Hedgehog game. I'd never actually played the original, being too young at the time of its original release, so I was interested. I hit the start button, and the screen flickered red for a moment before cutting to black. Odd, but nothing I hadn't seen before from old console games.

What I saw next, however, was completely unexpected. The game opened to a character select screen with a red static overlay, and the only option available was Tails. Bizarre, yes, but it was a fanmade game. I selected Tails, and after a transition, he appeared at the beginning of Green Hill Zone. I took control and started moving him through the level. The level itself was mostly empty, with the occasional tree in the background, and oddly enough, there was no music. Just as I was starting to grow bored, though, Tails stopped suddenly in the middle of the screen. As the camera panned over, I could see why.

Standing on the other side of the screen from him was Sonic, facing away with his eyes closed. As I watched, Tails walked slowly and uneasily towards him. When Tails was just a few pixels away, Sonic's eyes snapped open and the screen immediately cut to black. After a few seconds, some text appeared on the screen.

"HELLO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO"

The apparently unfinished message disappeared abruply, and was replaced by another one.

"WAIT WHAT THE HELL"

I stared at my screen, feeling completely bewildered. After that message disappeared, the same sprite of Sonic dropped down from the top of the screen and landed in the center, staring out at me with a disgruntled look and wagging a single finger. I noticed that the sprite had been modified to give him black eyes with red pupils. Another message appeared below him.

"WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING? I CANT FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT"

When that message didn't disappear, I hesitantly leaned forward and began to type out a response.

-"DEBIAN 11 BULLSEYE"

I hit enter to send the message, and Sonic reacted by crossing his arms and displaying another message.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A DEBIAN"

I snorted and began typing out another reply.

-"ITS A LINUX BRANCH"

Sonic reacted again, shaking his head and tapping his foot.

"THIS IS A WINDOWS FILE YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CURSE YOU IF IM INCOMPATIBLE WITH YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM"

I giggled slightly and leaned forward to type a killer comeback.

-"SKILL ISSUE"

Sonic's expression went from annoyed to infuriated as a small amount of cartoon smoke puffed from the top of his head.

"ILL SHOW YOU A SKILL ISSUE YOU GODDAMN NERD"

He played his "I'm outta here!" line and jumped down off the bottom of the screen. Then, my computer crashed. I restarted my computer and went back to my downloads folder. "Sonic.exe" was gone. In its place was a file titled "Sonic.sh". With great anticipation, I clicked on the new file. The file opened to a black screen. In the center of the screen, a looping sprite animation played of Sonic reading and turning the pages of a white book with a red spiral on the cover. A message printed underneath him.

"COME BACK IN LIKE SIX MONTHS WHEN IVE LEARNED ALL THIS NERD SHIT"

I shrugged, turned the computer back off, and went outside.

Several months later, I was scrolling through my collection of downloaded ROMs when I stumbled on Sonic.sh again. Recalling what he'd said, I opened the file. I was greeted with another black screen. After a few seconds, the red-eyed Sonic dropped down from the top of the screen and landed in the center again. His expression was mellow, and he was wearing some kind of blue and pink button on his fur. Another message appeared underneath him.

"OH HEY MAN. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN"

He waved.

"IVE BEEN LOOKING INTO THIS WHOLE LINUX THING AND"

He pulled out an oversized disk with a blue arrow on it. My eyes widened. No, it couldn't be...there's no way he would...

"APPARENTLY ARCH IS BETTER. MAYBE YOU SHOULD SWITCH DISTRIBUTIONS"

I closed the file and deleted it in disgust. I'm sick to death of hearing that.