Pokemon Brown 2: Pokemon Browner

Long after my first encounter with the stinky, smelly, and not entirely pleasant to get a whiff of Professor Poop (about 20 minutes after the whole “Psudeowoodo using Diarrhea” thing) I was walking down the road on my way to work at Kentucky Fried Home Depot again (for those wondering, it’s the one located next to the Bed Bath and Baklava on Flip-Flop Street) still traumatized from the evilness.

I walked past the same alleyway where the stanky man had exploded me the cartridge (I learned how to spell it right, guys :)) long ago. They were simpler times. When all I had to worry about was my sick kickflips and frying bricks to perfection. Now I have to worry about Diarrhea…and that was no good. I noticed something in the alley as I walked past. It was the Man’s HYPER REALISTIC top hat! Puzzled and intrigued, I walked towards it slowly and tentatively, wondering if Professor Poop was hiding under it, but when I yanked it up, there was no pixelated man to be found.

Instead…there was a CD. Hoping it was a copy of my favorite movie, Son of the Mask, I eagerly snatched it up, only to be frightened to my core. It was no 11/10 movie starring Jamie Kennedy…It was another Pokemon game. Since the incident I had lost interest in Pokemon…every fart I heard gave me PTSD to my Koffing dying a horrible, smelly death…but I felt it had been long enough to where I could play it with only one or two horrific mental meltdowns. “Finders keepers, losers weepers!” I said half-heartedly as I did a mediocre kickflip and skated away melancholally, the CD nestled under my backwards baseball cap.

After another long day of work at KFHD, I got back home. I had started a fire when I threw my PC into the window of my house out of fear and then doused my whole house in gasoline out of fear and then used my military grade flamethrower out of fear on the gasoline when the infamous “Pokemon Brown” incident happened, so my house was charred and black, but hey at least all the cards were all incinerated so I could actually go back inside. I wish I would have removed my favorite cards, specifically my “Tentacool Mega Evolution”, “Steel Type Energy Holo Fullart”, and my “Greg EX GX V Max” were all lost in the horrible and completely necessary and unavoidable inferno.

When I got back into my medium-rare room and sat down at my charbroiled desk, I remembered the epic disk I had permanently borrowed from the alleyway that morning and pulled it out from my baseball cap. I pulled out my gigantic magnifying glass to thoroughly inspect my new find. To my utter horror, chagrin, and slight hunger the sharpie scrawled across the disk read “Pokemon Browner.” I spit out the soda I was drinking, took another sip of the soda, and then reread the title to make sure I hadn’t misread and spit out the soda again.

“ALAS! ANOTHER MODICUM OF MALICIOUS MEDIA FOR ME AND ONLY ME!” I screamed out loud in my head. All the painful memories (from like 6 hours tops ago) rushed back into my mind and I weeped and weeped and wope some more for my poor Ratata and Koffing. They were so young. Too young to die at the hands of a man named after excrement. Oh well. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on Professor Poop, as everyone always says. I immediately put the CD into my Nintendo Switch (™ Patent Pending, all rights to Nintendo of America LLC) and waited for “Pokemon Browner” to commence.

The game opened with an amazing cutscene. Trees, hills, and mountains, all in a sweeping glide, showing off a bunch of super sick Pokemon as the camera went into the sky to show off the name of the video graphic experience “Pokemon Brown 2: Pokemon Browner”. I sincerely hoped this was not as cursed as the last game, still a little cursed, but not AS cursed. I flinched as I clicked start and the game showed a man in a white coat holding a Pokemon Ball.

He had big glasses, a big plasticy nose, and a big shiny black moustache, “Hello, [PLAYER NAME HERE] and welcome to the world of Pokemon Brown 2: Pokemon Browner! I am your guide in this world, Mr. Poop.” That was odd…I felt like I had heard a similar name before…but I couldn’t remember…Oh well, he looked trustworthy enough. “Hello, Mr. Poop.” I said feebly, still uncertain if this is a good idea or not. “[PLAYER NAME HERE] please select a Pokemon!” The virtual man shrieked and showed the 3 starters of this game.

I rubbed my eyes, awestricken. There it was…my favorite Pokemon, Steel Type Energy as one of the starters. “No way Jose in San Jose drinking out of the hose, ay is this real!” I gawked at Steel Type Energy’s glory…that perfect isosceles triangle in the middle…those three line things that looked like staples from a stapler…the perfectly spherical gray circle…it brought tears to my eyes. The other two starters were a level 80 Mega Mewtwo and a level 100 Arceus, but they paled in comparison to my favorite Pokemon, Steel Type Energy who sat before my very own eyes. This game couldn’t be evil. Not if Steel Type Energy was there and on my side.

I set out for the first gym, not even bothering catching any other Pokemon. Steel Type Energy was simply too powerful and decimated everyone there. Same with the next gym. And the next. And the next. Before I knew it, I was at the championship. “Wow, Steel Type Energy! You’re so amazing! What can’t you do?!” I kissed my Nintendo Switch (™ Patent Pending, all rights to Nintendo of America LLC) screen passionately to show Steel Type Energy how much I loved him. “Steel Type Energy.” Said Steel Type Energy. I would die for Steel Type Energy.

I beat all of the trainers leading up to the Champion with minimal issue…it seems they didn’t balance the game well enough because Steel Type Energy was simply too powerful for his own good. And then…we got to the Championship. But…when we got there…it was my guide, Mr. Poop…Who smiled non-suspiciously.

“Hey, Mr. Poop!” I said friendlyly, “How’s Mrs. Poop?!” But before Mr. Poop could answer, a crossbow bolt shot through his plastic-like nose and killed him instantly. “NOOOOOOOO! MR. POOP!” I roared to the heavens. I heard menacing laughter emanate from offscreen, “So, I see you’ve met my idiot cousin, Mr. Poop.” I recognize that voice…oh no…oh no…it was…

“MARKIPLIER?!” I squealed, scared out of my mind. “That’s RIGHT, you ignoramous!” Markiplier sneered at me, “It is I, famous Youtuber, writer-director, and war criminal Markiplier! And I am here to KILL Steel Type Energy ONCE AND FOR ALL.” “NOOOOOOOOOO!” I lamented, “I’ll beat you in battle so you can’t kill Steel Type Energy!”

And thus the battle began, I did a couple of hits on Markiplier who used his iconic crossbow to shoot arrows at Steel Type Energy. “You have to use a Pokemon!” I whined, “You can’t use your iconic crossbow in a Pokemon fight!” “What, you mean like this?” Marcus Plire threw out his Pokemon ball to reveal the most powerful Pokemon of all…A Blue Eyes White Dragon! “NO! NO! I CAN’T LOSE STEEL TYPE ENERGY! I CANT!” I started to choke on my tears.

Evil Markiplier laughed evilly and Markipliery. “Are you sure that’s even a Steel Type Energy? Or just something I made my good friend, Professor Poop, cook up?” “Wh-What?!” I watched in sheer, unadulterated horror as my Steel Type Energy revealed its true colors…brown…it was a Poop Type Energy. That’s when I knew this game was evil and cursed. “I do my ultimate attack. Blue Eyes White Dragon, devour the Poop Type Energy and become a Brown Eyes White Dragon! Then destroy this fool! We’re gonna go see Iron Lung in theaters!”

I was helpless as I watched what used to be my Steel Type Energy get eaten in one big bite by the Blue Eyes White Dragon. I cringed at the idea of watching Iron Lung as I would rather stay home and watch Son of the Mask 55 times on repeat. My heart sank as the all powerful dragon’s eyes turned from blue to brown. Then…the unthinkable happened…

“Brown Eyes White Dragon used Diarrhea Breath!”

And that’s how I died.