Pokemon Brown

Ever since I was a young man-boy I have always loved one thing. Pokemon. I liked Charizard and Mareep, Tenticool, Greg, Pikachu, and even Steel Type Energy! I had so many cards that my house was condemned a fire hazard by the city due to all the doors being blocked by all my massive amounts of Pokemon cards. I even had dabbled in a few Pokémon video graphic games such as Pokémon Snap, Pokémon Channel, and Digimon, but the next game I would play would be nothing like I had ever played before (because it was a turn based fighter unlike the aforementioned games which were not in that style of game).

I got out of bed outside of my house because I could not open my front door due to the Steel Type Energy cards blocking my way in, and headed off to my job as a brick fryer at the local Kentucky Fried Home Depot, when I saw a sight I was not expecting. A man in a dirty top hat and damp trench coat beckoned to me from an alleyway, "Do you like the Pokemans?" He said in a HYPER REALISTIC voice. "Why yes, I do enjoy Pokémon, otherwise known as Pocket Monsters, trademark of Nintendo Incorporated LLC." I responded with my finger in the air and my two front teeth sticking out.

The man sniffed his HYPER REALISTIC nose and rubbed his HYPER REALISTIC eyes before producing a stained and dirty game cartridge from his pristine gym shorts. I gasped as I saw it, it was a Pokemon game! And Pokémon was my favorite! "It can be yours!" The man spoke in his somewhat realistic voice, "For seven billion gillion dollars." I sighed heavily as I only had six billion gillion dollars in my pockets at that moment and turned away from the stanky man, dragging my knuckles across the ground sadly as I trudged back on my way to work. Suddenly though, the man died of a spontaneous organ explosion (that was HYPER REALISTIC) and the small plastic cartilage tumbled from his hands, across the floor and bounced into my arms. "Finders keepers losers weepers!" I said cooly as I put on my shades, did a kick flip on my skateboard, and rolled away.

After a long days work at KFHD, I looked at the cartage that was still stuck in my arms from earlier that morning. The cart rage read "Pokemon: Brown". "I've heard of Pokemon Black and White, but this is ridiculous!" I said to the camera and a funny laugh track played. I tried to recall when this "Pokemon: Brown" had released as I kept up with all Pokemon News at my favorite website PokemonWebsiteDotCom.Com, but I had never heard of the brown variant of the beloved Pokemon game series. I made sure to look this up on my favorite browser Internet Explorer and got no information on this mysterious and elusive, tantalizing, strange, odd, and other adjective game. Evermore curious, I crammed the Carthage into my computer's floppy disc slot and booted up the game. The title screen started with a short cutscene of the game's legendary Pokémon roaring and the splash screen coming up but...something about the roar...it almost sounded like a...fart? That couldn't be right...I must've just misheard the sound.

I eagerly pushed the start button on my controller one hundred and twenty five times and the game then commenced. I was greeted by a cheery looking Doctor character. "Hello!" Said the doctor man, "My name is Dr. Fertilizer!" "Hi Dr. Fertilizer!" I said to Dr. Fertilizer not in the game but in real life, I was already feeling so immersed in this conversation with Dr. Fertilizer! "Hello Benjamin Asphyxiation." Dr. Fertilizer said on the screen. That was strange...That was not my name! "Pick your Pokémon!" Dr. Fertilizer blurted out before I could correct him and I excitedly clapped my hands, hoping that my favorite Pokemon, Steel Type Energy was one of the starters in this game. Alas, though, the starters in this game were Koffing, Trubbish, and Pseudowoodo, which I thought was odd but I did not question this strange combination. I chose Koffing as I found his round nature to be pleasing to my equally round (and gassy) eyeballs.

I started the game and set out on a new Pokémon adventure within my new most favorite Pokémon game, Pokemon Brown. I encountered many wild Pokemon on my way to the first gym, such as Ratatas and Pidgeottos, with nothing really out of the ordinary...although all the Pokemon cries sounded the same, like some large sweaty man passing gas, but I thought that this was an issue with the stained and smelly cart ridge. I had contained a Ratata in one of my Pokémon balls before I got to the first gym, the Ground Gym. I went inside to be greeted by mounds of brown, brown dirt and green fog in the air, menacingly enshrouding the gym leader who stood before me. "Am I cooked Chat?!" I fearfully asked my friend Chat who was sitting right next to me. Chat encouraged me to continue on and so that is what I did. I pushed forward through the lesser enemy battles with my Koffing and Ratata allies, effortlessly pushing through all of them...but oddly they only seemed to have Rellors. "Why is there only Rellors?!" I yelled at the screen, who shrugged as it too did not know.

A feeling of unease rested on me as if I were a bird nest in a tree and the unease was an ostrich as I pushed forward to the Gym leader. "Harken unto thee, art thou Jim Leader?!" I yelled to the Gym Leader, who I assumed was named Jim Leader, just like all the others in the Pokemon franchise. "Bwahaha, you fool." An evil voice came from the Leader's dirty, flopping lips, "I am not Jim Leader. I am..." he stepped forward into the dim light from the dim light above our heads, "GASP! Dr. Fertilizer?!" I screamed quietly at the top of my lungs. "Yes. But that is not my real name. My real name is Professor Poop." Professor Poop said evilly. "FEIND! Why is that your name?! And why did you lie?!" I angrily replied at the small digital man. "I am named that because everything in this video game world is poop. And I am evil so I lied." He explained evilly. I knew just then that this video game was evil and cursed (and also made of excrement). "I will fight you!" I screeched and the battle music came on along with the battle animation, but something was off. All the screens that should have been black were now...brown and I could smell them through my screen! The music also sounded strange too as well, with that same flatulence sound as the Pokemon cries I had heard before earlier! Professor Poop laughed maniacally as he threw out a level 45 Grimer and I started sweating intensely as I only had my Koffing and Ratata!! The Grimer instantly one shot my Ratata and I weeped sadly for him, but had to carry on.

By some miracle I managed to take out his Grimer with only my Koffing, and I saw he had only one Pokemon left, but my elation turned to horror as his last Pokémon was the Pseudowoodo he had offered me when we had first encountered. I just now realized it looked exactly like a giant turd with arms and legs. I yelled in fright as Professor Poop made the turd do a move I had never heard of...Diarrhea. I heard many compressed fart sounds then my poor Koffing instantly died. I again heard Professor Poop's evil laugh and the words "You are next" appeared on the screen before it went brown. Ever since that day I have been afraid of going number two and I have held it in. I live in fear that if I try to defecate, Professor Poop will use Diarrhea on me and I will die.