List Of Things Dr. Spanko Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation

Notice from Director Naismith

Given SCP-2337's poor grasp of cause and effect, the futility of providing the subject with these guidelines is obvious. However, should any of these rules be broken, containment staff will be held responsible.

We apologize if this article's title was misleading, but "List Of Things You Are Not Allowed To Allow Dr. Spanko To Do At The Foundation" was too long for SCiPNET's character maximum.

Also, this isn't collaborative. We don't wanna give the little guy too many rules, as he's just doin' his best.

1. Under no circumstances is SCP-2337 allowed to have access to bagpipes, rubber chickens, the collected works of Marcel Proust, weapons-grade plutonium, or table salt.

2. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to claim that he's a "psychic/flying type" or "one of the legendary birds."

3. SCP-2337 may not defraud more than 3 civilian food service companies per hour.

4. Insider trading tips from SCP-2337 are to be ignored with extreme prejudice.

5. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to run for political office.

6. However, given the inevitability of such an incident, SCP-2337 may only run as a "Demoproblicorn Partly" candidate.

7. SCP-2337 may not claim to have invented grass, toasters, MLA format, or the Spankophone.

8. The Spankophone does not exist.

9. "Spankophone" is not another word for "French Horn."

10. "Spankophone" is not another word for "Sherman Tank."

11. "Spankophone" is not another word for "Calculus."

12. "Spankophone" is not another word for "Tom Waits."

13. Any attempts made by SCP-2337 to physically alter the vocalizations made by cows is to be intercepted and stopped immediately. Cows are fine the way they are. They do not need to say "CACK" or "Etruscan-style."

14. SCP-2337 is not allowed to make #BooTheMoo trend on Twitter.

15. SCP-2337 is not allowed within 400 meters of Site-59's onsite nuclear warhead.

16. SCP-2337 is not allowed to send valentines to Site-59's nuclear warhead.

17. SCP-2337 is not allowed to star in a PG-13 buddy cop movie alongside Site-59's nuclear warhead.

18. SCP-2337 is not to make any further attempts to coerce Site-59's office supplies into fighting each other to the death.

19. Under no circumstances is SCP-2337 to be made aware of the works of Gilbert & Sullivan.

20. SCP-2337 is not allowed to be in a Family Guy cutaway gag.

21. SCP-2337 is not allowed within 20 meters of the Site-59 cafeteria.

22. On a related note, SCP-2337's culinary suggestions are to be ignored with extreme prejudice.

23. SCP-2337's recipe for "Spanko Sauce" is to be especially disregarded. Amnestics will be issued for assistance.

24. Following Incident-59100-C and the resulting border restructuring efforts in Central America, SCP-2337 is forbidden to have any further contact with SCP-7976.

25. Continued suggestions from SCP-2337 that the border between Costa Rica and Panama needs to be "shaped like" any zoo animal are to be ignored with extreme prejudice.

26. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed near an open telephone receiver. Should he be caught humming inaudible frequencies into a receiver again, he is to be immediately taken back to his cell and the phone is to be disconnected, hermetically sealed in a lead-lined sacrophagus filled with slaughterhouse by-products, and buried 500 meters under a meshwork grid of railroad ties blessed by Serbian Orthodox Monks. Containment staff are then to point at SCP-2337 and exclaim "knock it off, you weasely goober" in a Portuguese accent.

27. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to create original characters for the Sonic the Hedgehog universe. While harmless in an isolated environment, the unexpected Internet popularity of such characters as "D'oiph the Bramblapus" and "Ferigerator the Goosadillo" threatens the secrecy of Foundation operations.

28. SCP-2337 is not allowed to be a whistleblower for any alleged misdeeds undertaken by SCP-7333; given Rule 3 and 4, that would be hypocritical.

29. Under no circumstances is SCP-2337 allowed to produce any more offspring with any instance of SCP-3758-A. (SCP-2337 has been neutered as per containment protocol, but this does not seem to have stopped him.)

30. SCP-2337 is not to attempt any contact whatsoever with the entity he designates his "Crazy Cousin Ubuntu."

31. Any attempt made by SCP-2337 to reboot Fraggle Rock is to be intercepted and reported to O5 Command.

32. Under no circumstances is SCP-2337 to provide any constructive criticism to the sun regarding color theory.

33. SCP-2337 is not allowed within 500 meters of SCP-2317.

34. The minimum distance from SCP-2317 is to be increased to 20 kilometers if SCP-2337 is wearing a Halloween costume and carrying a little pumpkin bucket.

35. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to claim to be "open-source."

36. SCP-2337 is not allowed to create fanfiction.

37. His Garfield fanfiction in particular is to be contained in the specialized hermetically-sealed vault under the "Motherland Calls" statue in Volgograd.

38. SCP-2337 is not, and never will be, an "Order Muppet."

39. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to add his OCs to the English alphabet. The ongoing misinformation campaign to claim that the letter W has always existed has caused irreversible damage to the Foundation's budget.

40. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to sue containment staff.

41. SCP-2337 is not allowed to be within 500 kilometers of a megaphone.

42. Claims that SCP-2337 is a "Skeksis" are to be ignored.

43. That being said, SCP-2337 is not allowed within the same building as a Gelfling.

44. There is no "Spanko Cinematic Universe" and there never will be.

45. Attempts to contact the entity known interchangeably as "the All-Mather of Lots," "Queen Persnickety Hoopla," or "That Sampo-Wieldin' Magic Mama on the Moon who Waters the Spoons and Prunes the Spittoons," are to be reported immediately to O5 command.

46. SCP-2337 is no longer allowed to turn himself into a rutabaga and claim to be "Packle Rack."

47. (Please see Sublists 1 through 38 for forbidden yodeling protocols.)

48. Claims that SCP-2337 is in possession of a "Neverstone" are to be ignored.

49. That being said, if SCP-2337 attempts to contact any third party with the surname "Koschei" regarding sale of this "Neverstone," Site-59 is to be placed on lockdown until O5 Command gives the all-clear.

50. Finally, SCP-2337 is expressly forbidden from having any lists posted about higod fucking dammit