Kamen Rider the Killer

Andrew Andrews life fucking sucked. He had a stupid name, a stupid face, and a stupid haircut. His existence felt like God shat him onto this earth to suffer.

Andrew Andrews had a condition which caused his bones to be weaker than your average person. Every morning he broke his legs, and every afternoon he broke his arms. At night, he’d lie awake in agony until his heart attacks put him to sleep.

The only thing that got him through this joke of a life was the TV show, Kamen Rider.

Everyday after getting beat up by the kids at school (Andrew Andrews is an Elementary School teacher by the way), Andrew would turn on the TV and watch some episodes of Kamen Rider.

The adventures of bug themed superheroes using karate to punch monsters in the face was the only thing that kept Andrew from committing suicide.

One day however, this would all change.

Andrew Andrews was walking home from school, having been beat up by his students as usual.

The teacher looked at his wounds and smiled to himself. “Well, my life may suck, but at least I’m not as pathetic as people who read trollpastas for fun.”

Suddenly Senator Armstrong from the video game, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, randomly jumped out of the bushes and bodyslammed Andrew, injuring the poor teacher even more than he already was.

The Elementary School Teacher attempted to crawl away but the Senator wasn’t having any of it. The Senator pulled the teacher back and began beating Andrew senseless.

Blood, teeth, and chunks of bone flew from Andrew’s body as Armstrong pounded him over and over. It was truly a horrible sight to behold.

Andrew futilely asked “why are you doing this?”

Armstrong laughed and said “because, you aren’t American enough!”

The beating would then last ten more minutes before Armstrong would fly away on a contraption similar to Santa’s Slay but replace reindeer with bald eagles.

Andrew then attempted to get up, but before he could, Ratchet from Ratchet and Clank showed up and bashed Andrew on the noggin with a super powered wrench, knocking the teacher out in a single hit.

Finally, Andrew once more attempted to get back up, but some-fucking-how Master Hand from Super Smash Bros appeared out of thin air.

Andrew looked up at the giant hand for a second before saying “could I have a rain check?”

Master Hand then squished Andrew with a single strike from his palm, flattening the teacher like Wil E. Coyote.

Even though it was very clear that the world hated Andrew, Andrew still tried his best to put on a happy face. He decided to go to the good ol Gamestop and trade in some video games. Afterall, a bit of extra money ought to help cheer him up.

As soon as Andrew entered the establishment, he slapped 585837862768162 mint condition copies of Banjo-Kazooie onto the counter and said “I’d like to trade these games in please.”

The Gamestop employee’s eyes widened in amazement as he looked them over and said “that’s a lotta vidya games.”

Andrew smiled and said “so, how much can I get for them?”

The Gamestop Employee said “about ten cents, minus two cents for taxes.”

Andrew Andrews eyes turned blood red. This was the last goddamn straw. Beating him senseless was ok, stabbing him was ok, even killing his entire family was ok, but nobody gave him chump change for his magnificent video game collection.

Andrew jumped across the counter and grabbed the employee by the head. He then twisted his head off like a bottlecap before kicking the now severed head to the moon, hitting a random satellite and causing a bright explosion to erupt from the cold void of space.

Andrew then fell to the ground, the trauma of trading in video games having been too much to bare for the poor shit-for-brains.

As the fuckwad lay on the ground, a flurry of television static began ringing across the room as the iconic monster, the Slenderman appeared in front of Andrew.

The teacher stood up and nervously asked “w-w-who are you?” as if the reader needed a fucking explanation on who Slenderman was.

“I’m the Slenderman” said the Slenderman while shocking absolutely no one in the process.

“What are you doing here?” asked Andrew.

“I’ve come to give you something” said Slenderman before pulling a stylish looking belt out of his suit pocket.

Slenderman then placed the belt around Andrew’s waste and said “yell out the word, Henshin, and you’ll transform into your beloved Kamen Rider.”

Andrew said “really?”

Slenderman nodded his head.

Andrew did a flashy pose and yelled “HENSHIN!”

A flashy transformation sequence began as Andrew Andrews was enveloped in a blinding flash of red light before being soaked in an ocean of hyperrealistic blood.

Soon Andrew was covered in a bug themed suit of armor. His suit was white like the famous character, Jeff the Killer, his eyes were red and black like Sonic.exe, and his legs were tentacles just like Squidward from Squidward’s Suicide.

He looked fucking stupid but Andrew thought he looked cool.

Andrew bowed before the Slenderman, having internally sworn loyalty to the business suited man.

Slendy said “from now on, you will no longer be known as Andrew Andrews, you will now be known by a new name.”

Andrew asked “what name my lord?”

“Kamen Rider the Killer”

Kamen Rider the Killer said “thank you. I will go and kill many in your name.”

Kamen Rider the Killer then left to go cause havoc.

As Kamen Rider left the building, Slenderman looked at you the reader and said “ain’t I a stinker?” before laughing like Woody Woodpecker and jumping out the window.

.....

After being given the stupidest nickname in human history, Kamen Rider the Killer searched for his first victim in an attempt to appease his new lord.

But who to kill? A hobo? No, hobos are powered by crack so they’re very difficult to kill.

A middle aged mom? No, Kamen Rider the Killer had seen moms on Black Friday and saw that they possess an insane amount of fighting skills.

Kamen Rider the Killer thought about it for what seemed like ages until a lightbulb popped up.

He’d blow up an Elementary School!

Kamen Rider the Killer congratulated himself on being so creative before running to the nearest Elementary School, which luckily was right next door to where he lives.

Kamen Rider the Killer kicked open the door to the bustling school and stood there proudly, knowing he was about to take his first life ever.

One of the kids asked “who are you?”

Kamen Rider the Killer said “I’m your best nightma- fuck- I mean I’m your worst nightmare”

The kid shrugged his shoulders as if to say, whatever.

This kid wouldn’t be so laid back once Kamen Rider the Killer lived up to his name and sent him to the shadow realm.

Kamen Rider the Killer had already read all the iconic trollpastas and knew that every trollpasta character needed an iconic weapon, so naturally Kamen Rider the Killer had an awesome weapon of his own.

A Twizzler

Not even a whole bag of Twizzlers, just a single Twizzler.

Kamen Rider the Killer exclaimed “prepare to die!” before hitting the kid with his weapon of choice.

It went about as well as you think.

Kamen Rider the Killer yelled in anguish as the kids beat up the bug themed slasher with a rigorous vengeance.

This sucked. He was getting PTSD flashbacks to his old job only now he wasn’t even getting a crappy paycheck every month for being there.

Luckily, Kamen Rider the Killer had a backup plan, a brilliant plan, something so smart that you’d probably see it in Ocean’s Eleven.

The bug themed slasher reached into his pocket, pulled out a remote control, and began playing Gingerdead Man vs Evil Bong on every single television in the whole school.

The sheer horridness of that movie was so great that it caused every single kid to commit suicide simultaneously at the same time.

Kamen Rider the Killer then pumped his fist up into the air like he didn’t just get beat up by Elementary Schoolers before leaving to continue his badass killing spree.

Kamen Rider the Killer was suddenly at McDonalds, because I didn’t feel like describing how he got there.

“Surrender foolish mortals!” declared Kamen Rider the Killer.

The customers didn’t bother looking up from their food. Big Macs seemed to be more important than their lives.

Kamen Rider the Killer then pulled out a Megaphone and yelled “SURRENDER FOOLISH MORTALS!”

The people still didn’t bother looking away from their food. They just chewed with delight as if nothing else mattered.

Kamen Rider the Killer groaned before waltzing over to one of the customers and slapping the burger out of his hand.

The customer then looked at Kamen Rider the Killer with pure and utter hatred in his eyes. Even Ghost Rider’s Penance Stare wasn’t as painful as this man’s look of vitriol.

Kamen Rider the Killer then shrank and meekly said “ummm, I’m sorry?”

The customer didn’t say anything, he just pulled out the Baseball Bat from Super Smash Bros. and hit Kamen Rider the Killer square in the face, sending him flying at super sonic speeds until he hit the Empire State Building.

“Ouch” said Kamen Rider the Killer before falling several stories and landing directly on his face.

Kamen Rider the Killer was now lying there flatly, almost like a cartoon character. The bug themed slasher pulled himself back up and reinflated himself with a random air pump that he found nearby.

As Kamen Rider the Killer then began making his way towards his next victim, he heard a Spanish guitar strumming in the distance before a familiar voice called out to him.

“Hola senor”

Kamen Rider the Killer then looked behind him and saw his archnemesis, El Donte from DMC: Devil May Cry, standing there eating a taco.

Kamen Rider the Killer smirked under his helmet before saying “El Donte, my archnemesis for the last-“ he then pulled out the Trollpasta you’re reading right now before finishing with “-five pages.”

El Donte played his guitar in a stylish way before saying “hoy mueres”

Kamen Rider the Killer took a sip of gasoline and responded with the best comeback in Trollpasta history.

“I know you are but what am I?”

You then got up and began cheering at how good my writing was.

El Donte grinned a devilish grin and said “intenta y sigue el ritmo” before rushing Kamen Rider the Killer with a flurry of strikes from his sword, Rebellion.

Numerous sparks flew from Kamen Rider the Killer’s armor as El Donte slashed faster than the eye could see.

El Donte finished his combo with an uppercut to the chin, sending Kamen Rider the Killer flying into a nearby dumpster.

Kamen Rider the Killer got out of the dumpster and angrily said “nobody’s allowed to hit me but me!”

“....que?” asked El Donte

“Wait, actually that doesn’t make any sense. Could I start ov-“ but El Donte already pulled out his pistols, Ebony and Ivory, and started unloading on Kamen Rider the Killer.

Kamen Rider the Killer did a sickass backflip over those bullets and began throwing numerous punches towards El Donte.

Naturally, being a god of stylishness, El Donte dodged each and every hit with grace and finesse while saying “ole” at every dodge.

El Donte then pulled out a set of maracas and bashed Kamen Rider the Killer across the face with them.

The demon killer proceeded to follow up his attack rush by bashing Kamen Rider the Killer across the face with a burrito charged with demonic energy.

El Donte smirked and said “estupido.”

This angered Kamen Rider the Killer even more, as he pulled out his Twizzler and began lightly tapping El Donte’s shoulder with his crappy weapon.

“Cabrona” said El Donte before backhanding Kamen Rider the Killer across the face.

El Donte bashed Kamen Rider the Killer over the head with his guitar, before once more pulling out his ultra stylish sword and stabbing Kamen Rider the Killer through the chest, splattering the sidewalk in hyperrealistic blood in the process.

“Juego terminado” said El Donte to the bug themed slasher.

Kamen Rider the Killer coughed up blood under his helmet as he asked “how?”

El Donte just said “Sencillo. Soy superior.”

The demon killer then put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, before a kaiju sized Speedy Gonzales emerged from the underground.

As Speedy picked up Kamen Rider the Killer, Kamen Rider complained “WAIT YOU CAN’T DO THIS! I’M AN UP AND COMING TROLLPASTA LEGEND! I’M A-“

Unfortunately Kamen Rider the Killer didn’t get to finish, as Speedy had bitten him in half with a single chomp.

More blood splattered the sidewalk as Speedy Gonzales disappeared underground, waiting to be summoned to assist his fellow Mexicans in the future.

El Donte mockingly laughed and clapped at the sight before him while saying “divertido, divertido.”

The demon killer then stopped laughing after a while before walking away into the sunset, whistling the theme song to El Tigre as he did so.