GARLIC NEWS REPORT

garlic garlic garlic garlic garlic garlic garlic garlic garlic garlic Author Page!

the GARLIC
Telling you what we want you to know.

BREAKING NEWS

Scientists Confirm New Technology Is Not Anomalous, Just Complicated

SPRINGFALL, VA—The Riley Summit stated that the power of friendship was not implemented and that they opted into more practical…

LOCAL

Exotic Monster Boyfriend Fucks Up Laundry Just Like Previous Boyfriend

NEW YORK—Leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting when the movie starts, and the sole descendent of a cursed bloodline…

LOCAL

New Policy Includes Kaiju Attack That Conveniently Kills All Homeless

Southern California's hypothetical razing by a four hundred foot tall gorilla crab will increase property values by…

LOCAL

Area Man Realizes All Cool New Magical Groups Are Political

I thought I could be a kickass robot or a bird wizard, but I have to go learn scripture and protest and follow an agenda and shit?

ENTERTAINMENT

The Shape Of Water Was Inspired And Guillermo Del Toro Refuses To Elaborate On This

HOLLYWOOD—Guillermo Del Toro stares wistfully out the window into the setting sun, with his two human children playing…

FASHION

Unrealistic Standards Set By Supermodel With Third Eye

FRANCE—Ms. Anh debuts at Paris to a crowd of adoring fans, many of whom had never heard of her…

OPINION

You Are Reading Completely Made Up Bullshit

Yeah, you. Right now. You're reading this, a farcical article in a fictional website aping a real world parodist, and you're just eating it up.

LOCAL

ENTERTAINMENT

VKTM Criticized For Being Subtle

MIAMI, FL—Fans are in outrage as they watch the newest season of Paravivor explore the nuances of…

OPINION

I Just Want An Excuse To Have This Image Of A Hot Lady Here

Yeah, this joke isn't for you. It's not even really a joke. It's for me.

BREAKING NEWS

Endless Hot Dog Pile Feeds Twelve Americans

LOS ANGELES, CA—Mathematicians widely agree that certain infinities are larger than other infinities, in…

Please turn off your adblocker. Our job is so hard, and we really need the money. Please.

COMMENTARY

Prophetic Old Man Has Nothing To Say About Impending Apocalypse

Alright, y'all, I know I talked the talk about the Lactic Invasion, but I seriously have no idea what's going to happen on August 2nd, 2025. I swear I really don't.

OPINION

The Giant Bioweapon Death Ray Satellite Will Never Be A Real Eigenweapon

Think of the children. This sick freak is trying to groom military grade orbital lasers into thinking…

COMMENTARY

Foundation Agent Accidentally Lets Slip That One Time They Ate Babies

BORING, OR—During a casual conversation about the weather, Agent Wheeler went on a semirelated tangent…

BREAKING NEWS

Conservatives Have Yet To Produce Anomaly That Isn't A Floating, Talking Gun

JAMESVILLE, AK—New census data shows how most conservative friend groups have at least one talking gun…

POLITICS

Despite Everything, Biden Can Still Crush You With Only His Mind

USA—Standing over the pulverized, wet remains of Mike Pence, Biden…

OPINION

Ambrose Plans On Reinventing Coleslaw

INDIANA, RI—With the vigor of a desperate college student, celebrity chef Chaz Ambrose decides to fuck…

BREAKING NEWS

New Device Allows Men To Experience Pain Of Giving Birth To The Antichrist

PARIS, FR—Engineers hope that the SatanRing will allow men to experience the existential and spiritual…

OPINION

Scientology Is True, Which Totally Justifies Us Feeding Lisa McPherson To Cockroaches

HOT SPRINGS, CA—Y'all remember that time we Order R2-45? We went sicko mode on those children…

LOCAL

Creepy Thing Hanging Motionless In Dark Tunnel Is Probably Not Malicious

NEWARK, NJ—In this new era of ours, we should remain open to new ideas, such…

OPINION

The Daevites Were Probably A Nuanced And Complex Civilization That Wants To Murder Us All

Today, we'll be discussing how the Daevites had a rich heritage, complex sociopolitical structures, and an overwhelming instinct to subjugate…

I promise we have standards. Our ads aren't annoying. Please.

ENTERTAINMENT

This Article Has Hundreds Of Upvotes Simply Because It Mentioned The Audience

31 Jan 2024 22:32

GERMANY—According to brand new SCPPER data collected from the past twenty four hours, this article gained a Kalinillion upvotes by virtue of being a decently formatted, mildly funny article. The Wilson's Score is 100%, higher than WDB, TINAD, and SCP-173, and has been translated by both CN branches. It appears that this astronomical growth will never end, and will continue to get to the author's head in perpetuity. Unfortunately, we have not been able to get a word with the author, although we did get some exclusive new information. They state that they are unable to properly expand on this article in a meaningful way. They were last seen approaching a McDonald's.