Ahoy hoy. I'm Doctor Cimmerian, and I come from the mythical land of Alabama, ruled by Prester John and home to Site-88. We tend to work long nights and eat poor food. Well, food not up to Cimmerian Standards anyways. Thus, I come to you with four ethical Foundation recipes that'll keep you from starving on long nights with the sad box and the Bel Air disc.

The Apple of Discord

Ingredients:

• 1 Apple
• 1 Knife

Instructions:

• Place the apple on the cutting board so it doesn't roll. If the apple rolls, you're doing it wrong.
• Cut the apple in five equal slices. It's more ethical this way.

Conclusion:

My good friend Christina Morse came up with this one. When I asked her why five slices, she just said that's the way her parents did it. I then asked her again, clearly, why five slices, more specifically why her parents did so. She said she didn't know. When I asked if that's an ethical response, she left the room. I've decided not to push the issue.

Fluffy Rice and Chicken

Ingredients:

• 2 chicken breasts, halved
• 1 10.5 oz can of mushroom soup
• 1 soup can of milk
• 3/4 cup of uncooked rice
• 1 4 oz can of mushrooms
• 1 envelope soup mix

Instructions:

• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. If it heats to 350 degrees Celcius, tell your oven to stop doing that.
• Mix all the ingredients together in a 9x12'' glass cake pan. The measurement is very important.
• Place the chicken on top the ingredients, cover with foil, and bake for one hour.
• Uncover, stir, and bake for 15 minutes longer. The chicken might come out alive. This result is unethical.

Conclusion:

You can potentially serve this with whole, halved, or diced chicken. You have to consider your life choices first, however.

Balsamic Chicken Thighs and Potatos

Ingredients:

• 2 lbs chicken thighs
• 0.5 cup white balsamic vinegar
• 2 tsp honey
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 2 garlic cloves
• 1 tsp fresh thyme
• 1 tbsp of fresh parsley
• 2-3 basil leaves
• Salt
• 2 Large Red Potatos

Instructions:

• In one bowl, combine vinegar, oil, garlic, honey, thyme, parsley, basil, and salt. If you didn't get that, read it again.
• Whisk until combined and add chicken thighs. Marinade for 20 minutes. This is so, if the chicken survives, it drowns before you eat it.
• Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
• On stove-top over medium-high heat, sear the thighs for 3-4 minutes. While you do this, marinade the potatoes. This is so, if the potatoes survive, they drown before you eat them.
• Put chicken and potatoes in pan and bake for 35-45 minutes.

Conclusion:

This won the Site-88 Cooking Contest. I won by eating the other entries before they got judged. There was no rule against this.

Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo

Ingredients:

• 8 oz rotini
• 12 oz broccoli
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 boneless chicken breasts
• Salt and pepper
• 2 tbsp butter
• 2 tbsp flour
• 3/4 cup of chicken broth
• 3/4 cup of milk
• 1/4 cup of cream
• 1/4 tsp garlic powder
• 1/4 cup of grated parmesan

Instructions:

• Cook the pasta. See my Pastaphysics Orientation.
• Add broccoli in the last two minutes of cooking. Drain and set aside.
• Over medium heat, heat olive oil and cook the chicken seasoned with salt and pepper. Do/cook/season both sides. You don't become a winner by sticking to one side. Let the chicken cool and dice.
• Melt the butter in a skillet, whisk in the flour, and add the chicken broth and milk. Cook for 1-2 minutes. If you freeze the mixture, figure it out.
• Stir in the cream and garlic into the mixture for 1-2 minutes until thickened.
• Stir in the parmesan, chicken, and broccoli. Combine. This is the easiest step as it involves the least skill.

Conclusion:

They say a wise man thinks once before he speaks twice. This is wrong. I've only spoken my thoughts once and I've been correct every single time.