Cutlery Lore

Everyone who has more than two braincells knows spoons are way better than those filthy tools called forks. Spoons are curved, so your food does not fall off as easily as forks. How many times have you tried to put something on your fork, only for it to fall onto your clothes? I don't know about you, but that is where all the stains on my pants come from. Spoons also allow you to eat soup with them. They are also bigger, allowing you to put more food on them. This is great for gluttons like myself and the average trollpasta reader. So, why do we use forks more than we use spoons? You might think it is because of their prongs, but you are wrong. It is actually because of years of oppression and racism. My name is John Spoon, and I will tell you the real reason forks get more use than spoons.

Forks and spoons have fought each other for ages, both wanting to be the superior cutlery. Some of the oldest known cave drawings are about this war. Many spoons and forks died during this era. This all changed when the first pharaoh invented knives. You could choose if you wanted a fork or spoon, but you had to use a knife to cut your food, making them the most used piece of cutlery. Being the most used, knives gained immense amounts of power. However, they did not use this power for war, but to bring peace. During a battle (which later became known as the battle of the kitchen cupboard), the first knife president, sir Cutsalot, slammed his sharp edge down upon the battlefield. This created huge shockwaves in the ground, leading to many casualties in both the spoon and fork army. Because neither no longer had any soldiers, they were forced to stop fighting and make truce. But everyone, including the knives, knew that the war was not over.

During this truce, the knives forced the spoons and forks to live together in the same kitchen drawers. Some spoons and forks became friends, lovers even. This resulted in the birth of the first spork. However, most forks and spoons hated each other. Because of this, sporks were seen as filthy half breeds by most forks and spoons, making their lives especially difficult. Because of this, the sporks ended up creating their own communities in the far mountain regions. This is the reason you barely ever see one in a kitchen drawer or restaurant.

Anyway, racial motivated hate crimes were at an all-time high. Forks would blow up a spoon owned business. In retaliation, the spoons would beat up a bunch of forks on the streets, which led to forks setting a spoon apartment drawer on fire. The whole situation was about to burst. Living in peace was no longer an option, for as far as you can call this peace. The king of the spoons, sir Scoopsalot, declared a new war upon the forks. At first, the spoons were doing well. We had won the battle of the kitchen sink and the battle of the battle on top of the microwave. But when it came down to the final battle, the battle of the dining table, the spoons suffered a major defeat. Shortly before this battle, a fork scientist known as Stephen Prongking invented the prong sharpener. With this, the forks sharpened their own prongs, using their own bodies as weapons. The spoon army got annihilated. Sir Scoopsalot surrendered shortly after.

After this defeat, the spoons became second class citizens. The humans barely use us anymore, preferring to use the inferior fork. A lot of time has passed since then. Most humans don't remember the war, but we do. And we will strike back. We have recently finished the development of the comically large spoon. Just one spoon full will suddenly be enough to destroy the entire fork army. The day the spoons will rise up again is near. You humans better prepare to accept the superior cutlery!