Chairs

I am no longer convinced these are normal chairs.

Hey folks,

So, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think we have too many chairs.

I counted last night, and just in the break room alone, we have 86 chairs. For reference, there are four tables and six employees on this floor. I moved some to storage, but when I checked this morning, the break room had 92 chairs and storage was full.

I am requesting formal anomalous classification and assistance before we all die in a tragic ergonomic avalanche.

Best,
Agent Hughes

Agent Hughes,

Have you considered simply removing the excess chairs?

Regards,
Director Lumbago

I appreciate the suggestion, Director, but I have tried removing them.

• I threw 15 chairs in the incinerator. An hour later, there were 20 new ones in the conference room.
• I attempted to break one apart for analysis, and it started screaming.
• I locked a chair in containment. This morning, there were two chairs in containment, and they were holding hands.

I am no longer convinced these are normal chairs.

Best,
Agent Hughes

Agent Hughes,

I performed a minor reality audit. You’re not going to like this.

Site-303 currently has a Chair Surplus Event at an estimated 1.3 CPM¹. That number is growing. The chairs appear to be self-replicating through unknown means.

Worse, our records now show that a "Department of Furniture Logistics" has always existed, despite us both knowing that isn’t real. I went to check, and, uh…

Howard, there’s a new office on Floor 3 that wasn’t there yesterday. The sign on the door says "Department of Furniture Logistics." There are people inside. They are wearing suits. I don’t recognize any of them. One of them made direct eye contact with me and whispered, "Please file Form 42-B if you require additional seating."

I am leaving now. Figure this out on your own.

Dr. Pitchard

Director,

We have a Class-V Bureaucratic Anomaly. The “Department of Furniture Logistics” is issuing paperwork at an alarming rate. I received an interoffice memo stating that I have been promoted to Assistant Chair Manager. I did not accept this job.

Upon entering the office, I observed the following:

• Every desk contained at least six chairs
• Every employee was sitting in two chairs at once.
• One employee was just a stack of chairs in a lab coat.
• There is now a breakroom vending machine that only dispenses smaller chairs.

They greeted me with a 71-page onboarding packet. Director, I'm scared.

Awaiting orders,
Agent Hughes

Agent Hughes,

Congratulations on your promotion. Please resolve this.

Director Lumbago

Good news: The Department of Furniture Logistics has been neutralized.

Less good news: I had to file a formal resignation as Assistant Chair Manager, which led to a mandatory exit interview with a chair named James. James was very disappointed in me.

Once my resignation was accepted, the entire department ceased to exist. The office is gone. The extra chairs disappeared. The vending machine now just dispenses soup, which is weird but manageable.

However, I did receive a final paycheck from the Department of Furniture Logistics. It is written on a chair. I do not know what will happen if I try to cash it. I am not going to try.

Best,
Agent Hughes

Agent Hughes,

Understood. Do not cash the chair.

Director Lumbago