Ask Dr. Spanko

It me! Cack! Self-Portrature is topside, no?

== Gate of Babel v. 0.3 (Pre-Alpha) ==
Copyright: SCP Foundation, 20██
Loading Config File: Spankonese.cfg
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Happy times, mimes!¹
Cack! Am christened Herr Doktor Spankoflex, colloquially namesplapped with Essy-Pee toothreethree and Steven! You, sir, are oculating my spidersteps², which the good Mr. Lightbulb³ has indubitably mashed potato⁴ one blinkbox⁵ for yours truly.

Cack! He hollers that if I'm a muffin little puffin⁶ Mister Boss Man⁷ will serve a sardine sandwich to faucet police⁸, and hand me the right to reply to send-saws⁹ from God or Bog and all his Saints and Angels!¹⁰

So start flapping your jaws, o pioneers! The mayonnaise of Tuesday is never sunny side up!¹¹

Editor's Note:

Sorry about the spotty translation of SCP-2337's gibberish. I've got at least three Euclids that are potentially going Keter by the end of the week, and I've wasted enough time building a keyboard with a "Cack!" button to worry about finding someone to write an English-Spanko Dictionary.

Thankfully, the guys in the linguistics department hooked me up with some software that they wanted me to test. It's supposed to be able to analyze these sort of english-based pseudo-languages and provide clarification for some of the more incomprehensible bits. The results have been mixed, but it's better than nothing.

Anyway, just leave any questions you have in the section below, and I'll try to get an answer out of SCP-2337.

-Dr. Edison

Dear Dr. Spanko,
[THIS IS WHERE THE QUESTION GOES]
-[YOUR NAME HERE]

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Im Your Once COsine Twice Premoved Recbert Hows It Going And Has My [REDACTED] Arrived Yet
-Rexed Berd

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I apologize for the previous E-mail, I sent it while sleepwalking. I don't know any "Rexberts", but you should be careful about that message, it's probably a cognitohazard.
-Dr. Auteaux

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm considering getting a pet to brighten up my quarters. Which would be the better option for a junior researcher, a European Swallow or a Norwegian Blue?
-RA Janice Hawknest

Dear Dr. Spanko,
What do you think would be the best way to killcontain a 5m humanoid that can spit acid?
-Dr. Gabriel

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Big fan, love the spidersteps. Forgive me if this question has already been asked, but I just had to know… Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
-Junior Researcher Lees

Dear Dr. Spanko,
My little brother has been bugging me all week. He keeps asking me the same question, and for the life of me I can't come up with an answer that satisfies him. I'm hoping you can help me out. The question is this: do examples of personal achievement stemming from internal motivation conflict with or corroborate the concept of predetermined destiny?
-Dr. Welsch

Kjære Doktor Spanko,
Uheldigvis er jeg ikke flytende i Basisk Angler, Kunne du hjelpe meg å lære?
-Doktor Tannpirke

Dear Dr. Spanko,
How do you eat gummy worms with a beak? It's just not working for me.
-Dr. Beakman

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm trying to explain what "cack" means to a… friend… who really, really doesn't understand Basic Angler. Can you help me out?
-RA Kyle Jostens

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Have you ever read Finnegans Wake, and if so, what is your opinion?
-Doctor Margin

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm madly in love with the woman of my dreams, but she barely knows I exist! How do I get her to notice me?
-Loveless in Site 19

It easy peasy! Cack!
All need doing is the the happy lettuce dance¹²! Primarily, butt heads with master big¹³. Don't hesitate to inflate and sing the happy death song¹⁴ until mister big loses his Munster. If that don't work, rub your face in jell-o¹⁵ and wait 6-8 business days before tryhard.

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Why are you so loud? Can't you keep your voice down?
-Deafened in Site 92

Cack? What ho, forsooth!
Your jibber-jabber is un-sane, good sir. Am I much sub-vocal, thanksqueezeme¹⁶! Yourself should un-check your hear-holes to the doc, mayhaps an error is on the counter, no? I'd suggestinate me appointwise, but Mr. Lightbulb and Mister Boss Man un-think terrible terrible radishes¹⁷. Though hop skip and stop by, and I mayhap gander goose.

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. Do you have any advice?
-Dr. King

Appleseeds!¹⁸

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Why don't we give you a megaphone and point you at any enemy with eardrums? What's your price, Dr. Spanko?
-Dr. Gently

Unconvincable! Mine pedigree is for bling blang blongo, youthinks? Cack! A gamble to snatch pretty pennies in parlor tricks? That myself am anti-doctor? Nein-sence! Cack! Cack! Am pro-fisherman doctorate, and P-Headdy in Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo¹⁹! And like all doctor dudes, I was proscribed to inscribe the most troth of oaths; to first stew no arm²⁰ and all that.

Minesuch are vowed passive fist, it would break own boombox²¹ to bring terminus to goodfellow folk. Sorries!

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Whathavelydos? Cack! Mine suchlike sinpartner haveno friendly time antimony frost? Undercackings havelike until our tinglybits are raspred…
-Linguistic Specialist N.D. Arx (Testing new translation software)

Cack! Cack I say good sir! Such wordinations are un-appropriate for blinkbox talky-time! She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe²² should extemporize the soap rope²³ for such foul platitudes²⁴! This is a family show, idaho! Pull yourself out of the cookie jar and think about what you've done young man!

Dear Dr. Spanko,
From what university did you receive your doctorate?
-Dr. Wu

Mineself receive gratitudes from Universidad Los Samothrace²⁵ in year of the moldy cheese man²⁶ with mega super duper plus good awardies. Cherry berry times, yes? Saddingly mineself not keep up with aluminum cans²⁷, forthwith house-calls nonwithstanding.

Dear Dr. Spanko,
How do you know so much about the Foundation? This has to count as an information breach, doesn't it?
-Researcher Rose Labelle

Cack! Dada expounded! You scratch my back, I eat bugs off your tupperware!²⁸

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Please elaborate on the socio-linguistic roots of your most peculiar language.
-Jr. Researcher Hu Zhi

Lovely! Basic Angler²⁹ is the monkey at the top of the swimming pole³⁰! But sadness, mineself scrabble on the clock³¹!.

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Even when I avoid coffee and computers near bed, I still toss and turn. What can I do?
-Junior Researcher Andrew Evans

Have you appleseeds? Falseways, mayhaps check the camputor³² for another you. If missing, you may be a dracula³³, so get out of the kitchen and hollar for Dr. [CACK!]³⁴ with posthastitude!

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I don't know who supplies the coffee machines for our Sites, but wherever I go, I'm drinking muddy water that tastes like Joan of Arc washed her face with it. Now, I found ONE machine that actually gave me decent coffee. Trouble is, I can't find it anymore. Would you have any idea where that was?
-Dr. D.H. Aeslinger, Psy.D.

How the cack should my know-how? Shiny brown pygmy lemons³⁵ mine un-favorite they are; too much crunchy for bitter batter. I un-think how you pokey blokes can quench Pygmy Lemonade, take self an old-fashioned moose juice³⁶ anytime.

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I fear I find myself in a most unusual conundrum. I am, as you surely are, a man of science, yet I find myself surrounded by people who insist that I am, in fact, an aquatic mollusk. I know full well that I am no such thing, but they insist on treating me as if I were in spite of my protestations to the contrary. What means would you advise by which to resolve this state of affairs?
-Thomas Theodore Blackwood, 8th Viscount of Westminister

Cack? I say, is you Blackwood-sama? Cack-cack cooray! Mine thoughtsumed had that you licked the big candle in the sky! Bit of the old roundabout, wot wot? Nostalgia, methinks, of stomping through the jungles of tim buck-too!

As time for the seashells on the sea shore, it crystal clear that the foundry is punto banco³⁷. Just play a pong now cow, and maybe someday you'll see what I mean.

Note: Upon further questioning, it appears that SCP-1867 and SCP-2337 had been traveling companions for a period of time ranging from 18██ to 18██. 1867 seems to be fully aware of 2337's anomalous properties, and describes 2337 as being "a good sport, but a bit of an odd duck if you know what I mean", citing difficulties in understanding 2337 as the main reason they stopped traveling together. Due to the difficulty in translating SCP-2337's speech, the accounts of their travels have yet to be confirmed.

Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm an in-development Foundation Artificial Intelligence Assistant! Could you tell me a little about yourself for my database?
-Diane.aic

Hollar-bark Spankoflext. Mucho bucho bo, —nevermindsuch whenst—having little or no birdseed in yon purse, wot particular to interest shorewise, happenchanced I sail about a little and see the bee the bird bumble drump. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever grim growth guff golf; whenever dizzle anti-crimbo in my soulface; exclamaitionpoint coffin warehouses. [REDACTED FOR BREVITY]³⁸ On the second day, a wild snail approaches! Command? Rachel-Rachel, having wot found before then no orphans was now plus one!

Dear Dr. Spanko,
Is there any way I could either acquire or create Minecraft 2? Will it ever exist at all?
-Dr. C. Bold

The real Craft'o'mines Twicelike was the chapps we happened along the rigamarole!

Editor's note: the following was posted on March 25, 2020, seemingly unprompted by any questions. It is unknown how SCP-2337 became aware of the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak of 2020, as Site-██'s isolated nature rendered the impact of the outbreak minimal.

Ahoy-hoy, my boy! Herr Spankoflex is the gamey name frame, and I have an implicated pornouncement [sic]³⁹ amoung the bubble blubble toil and trouble. The bitches tree, Convertable- underside these flying chimes, 'tis most indubitable to not yabba-dabba-don't⁴⁰. Doctornate Campbell Distancing, pacing oneself footlike at least eight million broadside⁴¹. Then, thou must prepare for the arrival of The Great Gonzales⁴², and his mighty longship built of soybeans, crewed by a cadre of 44,000 singing rabbits!⁴³ Oh what wonders I have to show you! CACK!

Footnotes

1. Happy times, mimes! (id.) Believed to be a salutation or greeting.

2. Spidersteps (n.) Web Page, or Blog

3. Mr. Lightbulb (pn.) Belived to be the nickname that SCP-2337 has assigned to Dr. Edison, who at present time is SCP-2337's handler. Occasionally written as "Mr. Light Bulb".

4. mashed potato (n. v. adj.) Linguistically equivalent to "(v.) Donated", "(v.) Obtained", "(v.) Pilfered", "(adj.) Pertaining to the campaigns of Genghis Khan" or "(n.) Coleslaw", depending on context.

5. Blinkbox (n.) One of many different words SCP-2337 uses to describe the closed-network computer it has received. See also; hackmobile, compcop, nightly brightly, thingamadoozle, and peckpoker

6. a muffin little puffin (id.) An idiom that describes SCP-2337 staying quiet during daytime hours.

7. Mister Boss Man (pn.) The O5 Council.

8. serve a sardine sandwich to faucet police (id.) Meaning unknown.

9. send-saws (n.) E-Mails

10. God or Bog and all his Saints and Angels (id.) Personnel authorized to contact SCP-2337 via e-mail.

11. The mayonnaise of Tuesday is never sunny side up. (id.) Meaning unknown.

12. happy lettuce dance (id.) A euphemism for corn crake mating rituals.

13. master big (n.) A rival male of the same species as the conversation's subject.

14. sing the happy death song (id.) The act of growling at a rival vying for the affection of a potential mate.

15. rub your face in jell-o (id.) Meaning unknown, but possibly a literal instruction.

16. thanksqueezeme (id.) A portmanteau of "Well excuse me!" and "Thank you very much", both used sarcastically.

17. terrible terrible radishes (id.) Meaning unknown.

18. Appleseeds (id.) General advice to the effect of taking things easy, getting plenty of sleep, and drinking plenty of water. Perhaps one of the most well-understood idioms in SCP-2337's vocabulary.

19. Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo (n.) An inconsistently-named academic field that SCP-2337 claims to have a doctorate in. Also known as: Parologicy, Barlgoflargology, Symbology, Cackology and Doctorology

20. first stew no arm (id.) Appears to be a corruption of "First, do no harm", a well-known condensation of the Hippocratic Oath.

21. Boombox (n.) A heart. Also referred to as a Beatbox, a Poundbox, and a Flabbery Red Thing

22. She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe (n.) Used to refer to SCP-2337's mother. At this time, it is unknown whether "She-Mom" is an actual name, or if it is a common term used by members of SCP-2337's species.

23. Extemporize the Soap Rope (id.) The act of forcefully washing a subject's mouth with soap.

24. Foul Platitudes (id.) Unwanted sexual advances.

25. Editor's Note: There has been no mention of a "Universidad Los Samothrace", or any variant thereof in any documentation related to SCP-1173. At this time, SCP-2337's knowledge of SCP-1173 is not considered a containment breach.

26. Year of the Moldy Cheese Man (n.) One of several nicknames that SCP-2337 has given to particularly noteworthy calendar years. This one in particular is estimated to have taken place around 19██. See also: Year of the Happy Dance, Year of the Smelly Fish and Year of the [DATA EXPUNGED] With a Side of Spaghetti

27. Aluminum Cans (n.) Alumni

28. You scratch my back, I eat bugs off your Tupperware! (id.) Meaning unknown. SCP-2337 seems to consider this to be a sufficiently honest and detailed explanation as to why he possesses knowledge of the Foundation, and accuses researchers who try to ask clarifying questions of not "Readspeaking Basic Angler".

29. Basic Angler (n.) The name SCP-2337 gives for the language he speaks. SCP-2337 also claims to be fluent in Japanimation, French Fries, Universalistics and Antidisestablishmentarianism, each of which appear to be a separate language loosely based on Japanese, French, Esperanto, and Cockney Rhyming Slang, respectively. As efforts to translate these languages have proven especially difficult, SCP-2337 has been asked to stick to his "native tongue" when communicating with Foundation personnel. See Document 2337-████-C: I Need A New Computer Because The One I Was Using Literally Melted When I tried to Translate The Stuff Dr. Spanko Was Saying for more information on these other languages.

30. The Monkey at the top of the Swimming Pole (n.) A subject that SCP-2337 considers himself quite knowledgeable in.

31. Scrabble on the Clock (id.) To say that one is currently on sabbatical.

32. Camputor (n.) A mirror, or similarly reflective surface.

33. Dracula (n.) Vampire

34. Note: This appears to be an attempt by SCP-2337 to mimic Foundation censorship protocols. The method by which SCP-2337 became aware of said protocol is currently unknown, as is the subject that SCP-2337 is referring to.

35. Shiny Brown Pygmy Lemons (n.) Coffee Beans. Not to be confused with Shiny Brown Pygmy Limes, Happy Color Pygmy Lemons, Shiny Lemon Brown Pygmys, and Coffee Beans.

36. Moose Juice (n.) SCP-2337's self-proclaimed "favorite quencher", consisting of two parts parts tomato juice, one part horseradish sauce, one part Sunny Delight, and one part melted M&Ms. Curiously, despite the lack of alcohol in any of the ingredients, SCP-2337 exhibits signs of mild intoxication upon ingestion of this beverage.

37. Punto Banco (adj.) Insane, crazy, not right in the head.

38. Translator's note: The full text and possible interpretations therein are is available in Document-2337-████-D; This Is Literally Just Moby Dick Except it's Written by Dr. Spanko, And I Wasted Seven Months Translating This Even Though It Was Obvious From The Get-Go. Who the Hell is Even Going to Read This? Doesn't the Foundation Have Better Things to Do?

39. Translator's Note: "[sic]" was present in the original document.

40. Yabba-Dabba-Don't (n.) A state of unwarranted panic and agitation.

41. Broadside (other.) Indicates that the last spoken number should be divided by a factor of 1,333,333 unless the resulting number is prime.

42. The Great Gonzalas (n.) A recurring godlike entity.

43. Known to the foundation as SCP-████.